And my own forest with my own creatures and my very own rainbows.
However, my hand I was given has me down this path I'm on.
I am a sick little girl.
I try not to bitch, and just stick to the facts. I don't intentionally leave things out but it's so so much, I just imagine people would get tired of hearing it. I know I am tired of this.
I'm just so tired.
The truth is, I'm in so much pain, I've lost so much. However, I have also gained people that truly care, and for that I am so grateful for.
I don't want to hurt people, and by complaining, I feel that is what I am doing. I don't want to cause more hurt.
I have many scary moments in a day. Everything is such a challenge, even afraid to laugh too hard for my chest popping out or wanting to crack. Some very downright scary moments.
The truth is, I feel like a failure. I am reduced to this - a blob of pain. I am so damn dependent.
I might have happy moments still, but that is not to be confused with pain free or healthy.
I will be getting test results back this week. I am both nervous as hell, yet also complacent. I suppose it's what I have to do to be the strong Rhi that I have always been, even when I was little, everyone around me said how strong I was.
I was.
I am very lucky now however, to have the people in my life that I can lean on, and offer shoulders, a place to cry, to laugh, to be with me and celebrate the past, but ahead with me in whatever future that is held for me.
Because of this I am continuing to be strong, maybe will bitch here and there, and come find my pet unicorns with me.
Thank you. <3
I love you. If you do not speak your truth - then no truth will happen. Your pain and your love and your suffering are all one. Without your pain WE AS HUMANS cannot live with you or know you fully.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your pain. But I am so grateful that you share it. I hate that you hurt - and yet I am grateful that you share it with us. I love you. I am truly grateful to know you.
With you I KNOW unicorns. With you I see dancers across the page. With you I see tears and know feelings that never were. And NO YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Failure is what happens when we stop speaking our truth. And YOU ARE NO FAILURE. You are my hero. You are my beautiful dancer. You are my lupus sister. You are my beautiful Rhi.
I see you. I truly see you. And I see you with my whole heart.
I love you.
x
Melissa
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you are in pain.
I hope you hear good news soon about your test results.
Sending you lots of positive vibes, that hopefully will make things a little better.
Rhi,
ReplyDeleteYou, my friend, are NOT, I repeat, are NOT a failure.....look at all you've accomplished.
Not only in your life up til the illness took over but also what you are accomplishing now by telling your story. You have so much support and I know how much you appreciate it and even if you are having a bad day you still show your support for others.
Sending good thoughts and karma your way !!
Hang in there >3 Joyce