Monday, July 12, 2010

Epic Fail

Is there such a thing as karma? I used to think so. I thought that not quite everything had a reason, but there was something that connected us to people and events.

I keep forgetting that I can't drive now. Back to this independence loss, it sucks. I had a very long involved dream where I was driving on a highway, and kept swerving to avoid a dark tunnel. I suppose that's what the hardest part of the days are like, fighting to stay out of this tunnel.
Yesterday we went out for my mom's birthday dinner. I had some anxiety about  going out. It's just so very hard. The dinner was lovely, but again with the not able to walk, so the wheelchair and those challenges - it comes with it's own set of pains. The restaurant has a few stairs to the dining room, so they haul out a ramp, and there come the stares. I can't take the looks I get. I wish people can be honest and ask me what is going on. I'm more than okay with that. 

We need this awareness - this is truly an evil disease.

Today I am of course, I am feeling the effects. I have new pains in my back, shoulders, arms and hands. But that is okay, I get it. I soldier on. 

The tunnel is tempting sometimes. I wonder if it would be anything, but I remember the blackouts and the entire nothing.

I'm not ready to stop fighting, even though I live in bed, I have no job, no car, all the things that a successful adult seems measured by.

The failure is epic.

It is always hovering, and it is taunting me - luring me to that tunnel. 

To be strong, takes heart and soul. Sometimes it is very tiring.

Strength fail.  



  1. You can't measure yourself against those things you can't control. Instead, look at all the lives you've touched. Look at all the positive you've given this world. I'd say you're already more successful than a vast majority of adults your age, including myself AND you still have so many more years left!

    You are the strongest person I've ever known. You are also the kindest. When your strength is not enough, know that you have all of us who love you to pick you up, to hold you up and to give you the added strength that you need. Every step of the way. We are with you! EPIC WIN!

  2. I get told to re-define 'success', 'independence', and 'productivity' and all those sorts of words I use to measure my life compared to others. I guess it is a good idea but sometimes I want to scream BS!
    Your honesty helps me feel better. Thank you. I want to pitch a fit sometimes at the hand I've been dealt but it feels wrong. It could be worse. Attitude is such a big part of things. Blah Blah Blah.
    The truth is that what you're experiencing is real and not uncommon. (unfortunately.) Plus, I at least find I cope a heck of a lot better when I throw my tantrums and admit to at least myself that all this is pretty darn craptastic. Then I can move on and play video games or do some other hobby and try to ignore being sick for awhile.

  3. Rhi,

    I remember how Anthony hated the staring, I know situations are different... I would tell him to say, " Hey I got some real good stuff in here, Wanna come take a whiff and I'll tell ya what happened." I hope this little tale put a smile to your face.

    much love...Joyce