This is something that not many people know about me.
Officially I am one belt away from my black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I started studying when I was 13, and loved it. I was eventually put onto performance teams, and doing my tests, complimenting my upcoming dance career. I also taught as well, both children and adults, and again did performing teams. I felt so strong and in control.
This is what is the hardest to get my head around. I feel so out of control, my body is betraying me and there is nothing I can do about it.
My next door neighbour was robbed yesterday. I feel terrible, I was home, but didn't hear anything but the renovations to an apartment upstairs. I didn't have the TV on during the time, and I didn't hear talking. I love my building for the apparent security measures.
I am nervous, and trying to remain in control of my alone time. I'm not sure what I can do - since I have no strength, I can't run, let alone walk much. I have bear spray, which I will keep within arm's reach again. I grew up with a packed bag and hair spray by the bed, and a planned an escape route. I cannot escape now.
I want so much to escape - become in control again. I want to escape the pain, the worries, the everything. I can't defend myself, and I hate that I am so weak. I hate that these thoughts are controlling my out of controlled new self.
I feel like prey. I have been in emergency situations, yet I am still not used to being the emergency.
Escape. Fight or flight. Too weak for either.