Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Right this very moment

This is what my current episode feels like:

There is something pushing me through the ground.
My senses are hyper-aware.
And the pain. The pain has me in it's cold dirty grasp.
It is not letting go. 
Something is trying to control my limbs, and pull me away. 
So very heavy.

I am in bed, but it is raging. It is slamming my back.
 I am cognesant yet very cloudy.

This is the scary time.

My feet are past numb.  I try to stand, and they are gone. Yet I feel the   intense pain.  I have veins popping through my skin, my arms are in a tug of war.

My head is hard to hold up, it wants to swing if I look somewhere.

I am being thrown by my shoulders, pushed. I am drowning in air.

I try to breathe, in attempt to control something at all. My chest is screaming.

There are towels under my knees, a beautiful red wrap under my feet.

All efforts to control so I don't fly away, or be pushed and pulled down.


This is happening to me. Right this moment.



  1. I love you. So much. I hate that THIS MOMENT is your moment. I hold you in this moment. I hold you IN THIS MOMENT. I bear witness to it. You are not alone. I love you.

  2. You are always in my thoughts!!