Monday, June 21, 2010

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

I am angry. 

I try very hard to not let these emotions get to me, but I am angry.

Welcome into my little meltdown.

I am angry at karma, fate, god, nothing?  What I did to deserve this? Does everything happen for a reason? Bullshit.
I understand I am very sick. I get it. I'm not one to wallow in the pain, I'm fighting it, without painkillers thank you very much. If you read my other entries you understand my fears.

I am angry that I can hardly go to the bathroom myself. I am angry I can't cook, I can't DO SHIT ALL. Understand this. I CAN'T do it. NOT WON'T.

 People, including me, don't understand this hell, so they get angry and make up what they have to.

People are disappearing. 

Fine. I get it. I'm not going to chase. Do whatever you need to. 
I am angry that someone very close to me is already grieving my loss. My physical loss, I am already almost dead to them I suppose, I am not angry at them, but this hurts. It hurts like hell. There is nothing I can do but be there, but I can't be. I can't be there when they are grieving me. How fucking confusing is that. I miss them. Greatly. I want them back.

When did I stop being a person with feelings? I still like to be asked how I am doing, you know it's not going to erupt into a competition or a bitch session. 

I want to yell - there are 17 elephants that made their home on my chest, my ribs are out of whack, I have twisted knees, my feet and shins are a write-off, my spine is being ripped out mortal kombat style, yet still I can feel it being shredded by a razor. My shoulders are being ripped apart, my back is disappearing. That is just the start.

But you know me, you know I won't. 

People are still disappearing, those I never thought that would. Have the respect enough to talk to me about it. I'm not reduced to a potato yet. 

More importantly, there are people stepping up. Somehow, and I believe them when they say in it with me for life.That is invaluable, please know how much that means to me.

Whether that's 7, 3 or 1 year or less. I thank you. You help keep me going. 

I am angry. 

I am hurt.

I am scared.

I am lost. 

I am love.

I am me.


  1. I'm so sorry for all of the disappointment people have given you. I'm so glad you're strong, but I can only imagine what you go through every day.

    Lots of love, and I'm here. <3

  2. Bad things happen to good people and IT SUCKS!
    Sorry for all your pain and disappointment, I don't get online a lot, but know you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
    Much love coming your way <3

  3. Awww hun, I wish I wasn't so far away so I could come visit and help you out. Please let me know what I can do though. I'm always here for you, no matter what. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

  4. Hey darling, would it hurt too much for me to bring over some awesome nail polish and pretty up those sore feet for you? I also have some pictures from the FDF dance recital for you! Lauryn has some friends in it so we went and cheered them on!