Christmas has always been magical my whole life. There is something peaceful and joyous about the time, special and happy. It's not about gifts, but it's about the time, basking in the lights of the tree, the music - the more rediculous and fun the better and Christmas Eve is my favourite over Christmas Day, possibly because that means it's almost over. Yes, I have mistletoe tattooed as a tramp stamp. I had to do that.
This year means so much more to me.
Last Christmas I don't remember at all. I do remember that I couldn't do anything for myself, I had to stop working so suddenly. It has been a year since I've worked, gone grocery shopping, checked my mail, cooked, drove my car. It was a very scary time. I remember feelings, but not events. If I think about it too much it really is very surreal.
I was not expected to make it, let alone to make it now, a full year later. My PT also didn't think I could make it when he first met me.
I've had to relearn how to do so much, eat, swallow, hold things, and there are still so much that I cannot do. I still can't drive, work, check my mail, but I can eat once or twice a day, I am continuing to adapt and learn how to adjust to do everything and everything. I am slowly getting stronger.
I'm not sure how I did this, how I came back to life, how I continue to fight, yes, I can't do much of anything, and the constant insane pain never goes away - but somehow, I keep waking up despite it all.
My love and sincere thank you goes out to my family that is taking such good care of me, and my friends south that take care of me for the winter. You have brought me back, you have made it be 'okay' even though I am so so sick. And a thank you to all my friends that are in my life everyday, make me laugh, be silly and have reason to not wilt away. Thank you for the donations, honestly that has been helping pay for what I can't manage to do medically.
As tough as this is, and it is daily hell, I have so much to be thankful for. Thank you all for being there, and making light out of the darkness.
I have no idea what will happen, but I hope as I continue to get stronger, and continue to keep fighting to stick around this joint as long as possible. I don't wish my past year on anyone.
I'm here to make new memories to make up for the scary ones last year.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays know matter what this season means to you. It means love to me.
A week ago I was able to start physio. This has been possibly the best breakthrough I have had to date.
I first met my physiotherapist when I first got back, and there was nothing he could do for me, as I had no strength to stand, let alone open the fridge door, turn on faucets, and barely lift the toilet seat lid.
I've gained some weight, I can function very very very basically on my own, just at home except for cooking, yet opening my front door is still a bit of a challenge. Once I leave the apartment, I need help with everything.
My PT started with some basic stretches, and he remarked at how flexible I still am, despite the pain. He started me on a plan, with reps and to progress and increase them. I exceeded this on the first day.
I have been doing these, with increasing reps - and adding resistance and including some core work - just abdominals so far. Every day, and part of my exercise is to bring my laptop to the living room, where I can do my physio on the couch.
Yesterday was my second visit, as he will be seeing me every week. He was again pleased with my progress, and with my ab work, and gave the okay to continue, I am attempting to increase this by 25 each day. He even said that I could gain 20 more pounds and be perfectly in range.
The other day, I noticed my hip popped out, not a dislocation, as I'd be screaming, no doubt, but it does hurt and my knees are out of alignment, starting from my hip. It is burning and sharp, but in comparison to my usual pain, it's nothing really. I have a twisted wrist, but that is from just trying to sit up in bed, not physio related.
My new section is to increase what I have, and including strengthening and adding core now, even for my back, but I can still do that lying prone, as I can't lie on my front at all still.
It is hard not to compare what I used to be able to do as a dancer, but if I think and compare from day to day, I am thrilled with how I am doing. It feels so good to move, and it is still limited, but I'm happy that I am able to lie down, pull one leg up, and my knee comes to my nose, like a reverse split. That is a different pain - and one that is welcome.
This is so exciting. I finally feel like I am accomplishing something real, even though to normal people it is probably nothing. I have something to look forward to everyday, and everyday I am feeling myself change.
I even can walk down my hallway without needing to hold on to the wall half the time. I still need all the aids from my Occupational Therapist in the apartment, and I still can't stand in the shower, or cook, but it's the little things, that are really most important now.
Yes I have lost so much of my life, and this is new life as I know it. And for this, I am thankful of the support and I am proud that I still have that drive that I used to.
Perhaps I really am still a fighter...
