Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas has always been magical my whole life. There is something peaceful and joyous about the time, special and happy. It's not about gifts, but it's about the time, basking in the lights of the tree, the music - the more rediculous and fun the better and Christmas Eve is my favourite over Christmas Day, possibly because that means it's almost over. Yes, I have mistletoe tattooed as a tramp stamp. I had to do that.

This year means so much more to me. 

Last Christmas I don't remember at all. I do remember that I couldn't do anything for myself, I had to stop working so suddenly. It has been a year since I've worked, gone grocery shopping, checked my mail, cooked, drove my car. It was a very scary time. I remember feelings, but not events. If I think about it too much it really is very surreal.

I was not expected to make it, let alone to make it now, a full year later. My PT also didn't think I could make it when he first met me.

I've had to relearn how to do so much, eat, swallow, hold things, and there are still so much that I cannot do. I still can't drive, work, check my mail, but I can eat once or twice a day, I am continuing to adapt and learn how to adjust to do everything and everything. I am slowly getting stronger. 

I'm not sure how I did this, how I came back to life, how I continue to fight, yes, I can't do much of anything, and the constant insane pain never goes away - but somehow, I keep waking up despite it all.

My love and sincere thank you goes out to my family that is taking such good care of me, and my friends south that take care of me for the winter. You have brought me back, you have made it be 'okay' even though I am so so sick. And a thank you to all my friends that are in my life everyday, make me laugh, be silly and have reason to not wilt away. Thank you for the donations, honestly that has been helping pay for what I can't manage to do medically. 

As tough as this is, and it is daily hell, I have so much to be thankful for.  Thank you all for being there, and making light out of the darkness. 

I have no idea what will happen, but I hope as I continue to get stronger, and continue to keep fighting to stick around this joint as long as possible. I don't wish my past year on anyone. 

I'm here to make new memories to make up for the scary ones last year.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays know matter what this season means to you. It means love to me.



  1. You are amazing, and you are the strongest person I know. A lover AND more importantly, a fighter. I admire your courage and strength, and I love you with all my heart.

  2. So happy you are able to experience Christmas this year and so excited for how far you have come. Like Kata said you are so incredibly strong and are a true fighter. Love you so much!!!