Saturday, December 11, 2010

11 Thoughts

 This flu is kicking my ass this month. I have been thinking alot about words or phrases that I find very hard to hear, and compiled a small list that are from some other,, and to see if it's just me being dealing with extra epic pain, and all the troubles that comes with having a flu when you are immunocompromised. Perhaps you will agree, or you will have other ones that you hear that you wish to share in comments. I'm very blunt, so a warning if it is read harsh, I don't mean it to come across that way.

11. You’re never given more than you can handle.
Then I am one damn strong woman. That is like saying things happen for a reason, that there is something that I did to piss off the universe that much to be a good person, working very hard when I shouldn't and I'm even the kind of person that blocked traffic so a family of ducks could cross the road. Oh but I'm sick now because of some vendetta someone had against me so I deserve it.

10. You can’t be in that much pain.
My auto response to this is, 'how do you know how much pain I am in. Since when is this a competition? 

9. Stop being lazy and get a job.
I'd love to, do you have the magical cure so I can? It makes me truly sick to see people work the system. This is why there are so many hoops to jump now for those of us legitimately ill. I've worked many jobs at once, and usually 6-7 days a week most of my life since I was 14. I took pride in my education both physically and academically, and by the way, no I am not on social assistance of any kind now, I have zero income and not on government support. 

8. You just want attention.
And you want to be an asshole. Think about this, why would anyone wish this kind of life for themselves? To be in severe pain where nothing works, life every minute is a struggle. If I want attention I will paint myself blue and stand on a street corner downtown. 

7. Your illness is caused by stress.
It is possible and probable that it was triggered by some kind of trauma, but we don't know. Thank you very much but I'm not going to be cured by rainbows and unicorns and waterfalls as much as they are pretty. Don't get me wrong, my purple unicorn pillow is very comforting, but I can't meditate the sickness away.

6. No pain…no gain!
Bullshit. Nuff said on this.

5. It’s all in your head.
Don't I wish? Again no amount of positive thought will help this one. Trust me I have a very good imagination but I never ever thought I would be like this.

4. If you just got out of the house…
You're telling me! I'm the girl that talks to anyone, anywhere, and even to things. Keeping a social butterfly down is hard work, but I can't make it to my elevators by myself, so going outside is something that I cannot do without a major production behind it. 

3. You’re so lucky to get to stay in bed all day!
Yes I am. The risk of blood clots, the atrophying muscles, the low blood  pressure, the pain of clothes, and even blankets and the odd stiff breeze. You got it sherlock!

2. Just pray harder.
I do thank those of you that keep me in your prayers, it does mean alot to me, however back to the what-have-I-done does not apply. I am not being punished because I perhaps have a different God than someone else. I am spritual, I have my own way of keeping people in my thoughts and pray in my own way. I don't judge (most) people on their religion, but I also keep in mind the 'so mote it be, ain't it harm none.' This should be something for everyone to do.

1. You LOOK so GOOD!
 Thank you? No really, I do thank you. Because I may look well, I am really not, and I understand how hard that is to grasp. Also going back to laughing or being happy a little, I do try to be happy and positive when I can. Yes this pain is severe, overwhelming and over this year I have had to relearn how to do alot of basic things. The looks I get when I'm in the chair go from pity to almost excitement, but I don't have casts, I don't have any tells, except for the butterfly rash. 
Thank you, I do want to still be pretty as my body is a monster inside.

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