Monday, April 11, 2011

Four Years In.

Four years ago today, my life stopped as I knew it. I was given the diagnosis, cried with my doctor, as he gave me 2-10 years to live.

When I was diagnosed, it was such devastation. Everything I worked so hard for. Done. 

Hearing words, and understanding them are different. There was no mistaking this. It was already very severe as it was attacking hard before we knew what was happening. 

I was to have a doctor's appointment today with the new doctor - ironically in the exact same office that I heard the news from the doctor that discovered it. He told me to go south, and just do what I could.

Funny how things turn out.

The pain never ends, it's complex with many layers of different pains all at once, everywhere. 

It is very hard to not be upset. I've done my grieving, and sometimes accepting, but it is still so hard to live with this every minute of everyday.

To those of you that have been with me every step, I can't say how much I love you enough, and I thank you. 

To those of you that I have met on similar journeys, I'm sorry you are dealing also. 

I'm not waterfalls and rainbows thinking positive will cure me. I am realistic. Pain-free will never happen. Pain-less, will not happen. 

I hope that I am the same person. This did not make me stronger. I have been strong my whole life. It's just me. I'm just sick. Very very sick.

Thank you for sticking by me and holding me up. 

Four years ago today changed my life. We will see what the next six bring.


  1. "This did not make me stronger. I have been strong my whole life. It's just me." Wow, I can relate. Thank you for being so real and not sugar coating anything. Seriously - Thank you.

  2. Rhian, your post was so good. Bittersweet...the truth is so evident and the contemplation so apparent. I understand, I SO understand. Yes, you are indeed one of the strongest people I know. Keep blogging!!! It lifts my heart.

  3. Getting to know you has really made me look at life in a completely different manner. The biggest thing that comes to mind is the internet meme "FML". I don't think I've ever any moments where I thought FML was appropriate. Not that stupid stuff doesn't happen to me, it is just that it feels so lame to do it knowing what I know about your life. I really do enjoy your various shows as well as following you on twitter and FB. I really love seeing when you get to go on trips to the US. We will figure out how to get you here someday!! Permanantly if possible.

  4. You are amazing Rhi. You do so much where most people would just shut down. You are an inspiration and I am glad to know you.

  5. You are fabulous. Never forget it. My life is better because I met you.