Saturday, October 2, 2010

It’s not okay.

I made it through a week on my own, and I’m still kickin’. I was under strict orders to not use the stove, oven, toasters, heavy machinery, forklifts, knives, elevators.
I still ate, about twice a day and a snack if I felt like I needed it. I walked alot in the apartment, and even tried to make my 100 crunches a day. It’s a far cry from what I used to do, but right now, walking by myself for a few steps is a major accomplishment.

My feet are not great, continuously going from blue to red with white perfect spots. The spots are crawling up towards my knees. I am waiting on the results of the radiation, and before snow comes I have to make another appointment with the doctors. I am getting very tired of hearing ‘I don’t know’, or just the blank looks. I am broken and I need to be fixed. This is not new. It’s just getting very old and tired. It’s that daily fight, and yes sometimes, I want to sleep it away. I don’t see that as giving up, just needing a break. It is quite overwhelming.

October is Lupus Awareness Month in the United States. There are so many misconceptions about this disease, and it does affect everybody differently. I happen to be very bad. However, one such misconception that I heard on a talk radio show based in the States was that it all all diet. Yes, a good diet is good for everyone, and yes it helps. However, claiming – and yes – I am taking this personally right now – that I am sick and got sick because of weight and inactivity and poor food is utter bullshit. When I got sick, I was dancing and teaching everyday. By the way, the statement that ‘those who can’t do, teach’ is also utter bullshit. I ate very well, I was 130 lbs of solid muscle, I cooked for myself and worked everyday, a couple of jobs. I was damn good. So if nothing else, I am proof of this being bullshit. Lazy was not in my vocabulary or my repertoire.  So talk that I’m anorexic or lazy, and the like, is angering, sad, and it’s not okay. Yes I am tinier, yes I am so tired, yes I cannot do things that I could a simple as they are, but it’s so much more than that, and assumptions are not okay.

For this month, if you care to give anything, please help the awareness of this horrible disease. There are many that are horrible, which is why it is called dis-ease. As a very close and dear friend says, “sometimes sick JUST HAPPENS”.  Thank you for hearing me out. I know many listen, but still others don’t hear.
As an aside, thank you for your generosity in time, in thoughts, and pushing shiny buttons such as the one on the right. Thank you, it is more than I can express, and without you, I wouldn’t be here. 
I thank you for helping to make some parts okay.

My love to you.

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