A bit ago tonight, I was in bed, watching So You Think You Can Dance Canada and somehow, I very quickly got very lost, and very confused.
It didn't last for long, but it was frightening enough. My pain is high, my sleep is messed, nothing new here, just the intensity. I've been twitchy and been fighting an anxiety attack for hours.
I've had a migraine for a few days, again, nothing new, but I got lost. I got lost, in my own bed. I was told that I just disappeared, and I remember hearing 'where did you go'. I don't know where I went.
I don't know.
Last August, I started my downturn. This was the time where I had chemical burns on my both my hands from the topical analgesic. I was still not eating, and iron was very low.
Standing at the wedding, I started to feel like I was going to pass out, I thought it was the sun - as I haven't been in the sun much at all since I got diagnosed. It was all the strength I could do to stay up, like hell, was I going to pass out at the wedding. Like hell.
That was the first notice something started going very very wrong.
I was too damn strong. I started the black outs, and usually I was caught. I had to walk down 10 flights of stairs one day, on my way to work, this is the first time I was found by my neighbours. I went back to the apartment, begged them to not call the paramedics.
The blackouts continued. I couldn't park at work in the parking lot, or in the driveway, I had to park outside on the street. I often couldn't get out of the car right away, and fought blacking out right out front of the doors.
I was living off freezies to at least keep myself hydrated.
October 23rd, 2009 I blacked out again, in the elevator at home. Luckily there were two neighbours with me, and woke up to being on the ground, on the ground floor, with people around and the paramedics. They brought me into the bus, and again, begged them not to take me to the ER. I lost that fight, and was in the ER shortly after.
Since then, they got increasingly worse, and more frequent. I am so very very lucky that nothing happened when I was driving. I kept pushing, too hard to keep normal, working, running errands - luckily for me - strangers were very kind to me. Almost everyday that I was out on my own, I suppose I was so visibly in distress that strangers stopped to help me.
Losing where I was for a bit tonight was enough of a scare. It doesn't feel like a black out, it feels like I dissapeared. Nothing tangible.
I need to sleep. I want to sleep, for a while.
I love August, but I am terrified.
I'm fighting everyday, even though I want to sleep for a few days at once. This is not me. I don't know where I went.
I'm so tired.
Of so much.
I'm getting afraid.
Of so much.