Thursday, August 12, 2010

Radio Chaos vs Radio Silence

Part of the allure of driving is the control you have over something that is so big, and powerful. Part of the fear of flying is that you are not driving.

My OT visited again last week, and she is still wonderful. She wrote out for me at no charge the request for the Ministry of Transport Canada my disabled parking pass. In other words, my crip tags are ready to go. 

I saw the new GP the next day, and more of my medical mystery indeed.
My mom took me to this appointment, and was her first time taking me anywhere by herself with me in the wheelchair. 

I had no choice but to walk, out of my apartment, into the elevators, down the ramp to her car, as she pushed the empty chair. 

Brave girl I am, I didn't shed a tear, but I wanted to. The power went out in the building due to a storm, and by law, I am still a certified first responder. It was very hard to suppress my instincts and my adrenaline, I was for the first time a bystander, even though in a power outage everything regarding the paramedics went as protocol.

What did we find out at this appointment? My levels are so wacked, they might be almost good. Except for the ANA, which is always the bugger. Once diagnosed, it remains as a little shit, playing tricks and again with the medical mystery. 

My GP gave me 8 samples of Naprelan. I don't like it. It's an anti-inflam, which I said I would (despite my hesitations) take the full 8 pills for a week.

I've been waking up confused, and angry and in more intense pain, no rhyme nor predictablility to it. 

The other morning, I woke up already in hysterics. This is not me. I am stronger than this shit. I was crying, and screaming, throwing whatever I could with whatever strength I physically had. It wasn't much, and I got even more hysterical. I wanted it to end.

I needed it to stop.

I was out of control. 

I lined up some pill containers, and logically and slowly added up the total mgs.  It was for no other reason but I had to stop this pain, this shit that is making me so very sick.  I had to make some goodbyes first. I was far too logical amidst the hell and chaos I am in. 

I fell asleep. I didn't touch one of the pills until my normal doses.
In my wanting to sleep forever, I slept for a few hours instead.

Not one used to not being in control, I suppose it was one thing I could control just then. 

I pulled back, because I didn't know what or how to do anything else. I couldn't be the Rhi that I am usually - the one that loves everyone. Am I losing that quality also on top of everything else?

I had nothing to give.


  1. I have had those nights. They are terrifying when you get that hopeless.

    But you do give...even if it is just to your friends. Like me :)

  2. I've been there... for totally different reasons of course. I'm thankful for your logical brain, love.