Wednesday, January 26, 2011

New normal?

The elephants have been partying non-stop, playing shuffleboard on my chest with anvils, and as any good hardcore ravers, they have introduced electrical whips attacking my chest, feet, legs, and everywhere.

Monday was a scary day, and I've been mostly trying to stay calm and not allow panic attacks. I have felt legit in saying "What is happening now?". No, this isn't just a knee pain. This is severe all over pain in addition to the severe everyday pain. 

I am not used to it, but if this is what will become my new normal, I suppose I need to. I am not sure what to do or how to deal with the latest onslaught of attacks. 

Luckily I'm not dealing with it alone. I am still finding things to laugh about, although it hurts. I am a person that NEEDS to laugh and to feel somewhat normal sometimes. If I let myself think about this too much I will go into a dark place that I might not come out of.

Part of feeling normal and laughing and helps so much, is meeting people that are going through a similar hell.  Not that my friends and family aren't doing everything they can for me, and for that I am ultimately happy and thankful for, but to be in the same room (that isn't a hospital) with people that know what it is like, is remarkable.

I would never wish this hell on anyone, not even a worst enemy (and I have a couple). 

The thing about chronic illness is that it is chronic. I understand how hard that is to really grasp. It never will go away, I will never have a pain-free day, I will get worse and not better. I am not being alarmist, I am realistic. I need to be. Would I love to live with rose-coloured glasses, yes. 

I just take one day at a time, one moment different from the next and try to accept what is happening. With people by my side, it makes it that much easier.

All I have is my love to give.


  1. Sounds like your elephants with their electric cattle prods are visiting me, too. :( Your strength amazes me. *hugs & love*

  2. Too few people understand that those of us with chronic illness are simply being practical and realistic instead they see us as being catastrophizing, pessimistic, doomsayers who don't want to be well.

    When to decide to work on accepting that 'new normal' is always a struggle for me and I'm one of the lucky ones who can tolerate narcotics. I can't imagine having to do it over and over again without. However, you seem to have a truly wonderful group of people around you both face to face and via the internet.

    I wish I could offer something that might bring you real practical relief from pain but I can't think of a thing. Thank you for having a hug for me when I need one. :)

  3. I had a buddy with a chronic illness, he was also a trained and experienced therapist. He explained: "People want to find some fault with the sufferer, something they did wrong, so they can usage their own fears that it can't happen to them. If you understand that the disease is just some a random calamity, then you have to understand that it CAN happen to oneself. It must be the sufferer's fault somehow."

    Remember in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" Tim Robbins said, "The tornado had to hit somebody."

    I feel for ya kitten ....