The elephants have been partying non-stop, playing shuffleboard on my chest with anvils, and as any good hardcore ravers, they have introduced electrical whips attacking my chest, feet, legs, and everywhere.
Monday was a scary day, and I've been mostly trying to stay calm and not allow panic attacks. I have felt legit in saying "What is happening now?". No, this isn't just a knee pain. This is severe all over pain in addition to the severe everyday pain.
I am not used to it, but if this is what will become my new normal, I suppose I need to. I am not sure what to do or how to deal with the latest onslaught of attacks.
Luckily I'm not dealing with it alone. I am still finding things to laugh about, although it hurts. I am a person that NEEDS to laugh and to feel somewhat normal sometimes. If I let myself think about this too much I will go into a dark place that I might not come out of.
Part of feeling normal and laughing and helps so much, is meeting people that are going through a similar hell. Not that my friends and family aren't doing everything they can for me, and for that I am ultimately happy and thankful for, but to be in the same room (that isn't a hospital) with people that know what it is like, is remarkable.
I would never wish this hell on anyone, not even a worst enemy (and I have a couple).
The thing about chronic illness is that it is chronic. I understand how hard that is to really grasp. It never will go away, I will never have a pain-free day, I will get worse and not better. I am not being alarmist, I am realistic. I need to be. Would I love to live with rose-coloured glasses, yes.
I just take one day at a time, one moment different from the next and try to accept what is happening. With people by my side, it makes it that much easier.
All I have is my love to give.