Monday, May 10, 2010

Anger as Beauty?

 I have no doctor again. My GP suddenly left her practice, and the ER thinks her and the rheumy are on crack. My blood was drawn every 2 weeks yet didn't do anything even seeing I was at danger levels.

The GP however signed the disability forms, which hopefully will come in fast, however I am not expecting anything for 8-10 months.

I have had to de-roster  myself from the GP with the province, and was put on a Care Connect program. I have a nurse assigned to me trying to match me with a new GP, again this will also take months so my options right now are the ER.  It will be time to go in soon anyway.

Anger as beauty? Some people say so. Some try to get me worked up and angry to show me I am alive. I would much rather laugh.

I have always been a passionate person, and I continuously go through grief stages. 

These are real losses, the pain never ever goes away, something very simple is now a production.

This messes my body, but it can also mess with my emotions.  Today is a particularly bad day. I'm not going to feel better, I want to at least feel happy. A huge misconception is that this is like a flu.

I have a very small family, needless to say blood ain't thicker than water. My father's side has been hard to get on with, they are negative and aggressive. When they say "Are you feeling better YET?" That hurts. I understand this is hard on people, I do. And I am sorry I got so incapacitated and bedridden, right. it was just to fuck with your heads. /smh

I'm in a serious way, I rather not argue about how I am feeling, that takes too much energy.  I appreciate the asking, happy doesn't mean healthy though. 

I've lost everything my body used to let me do, no harm in having some points of laughter in there is there? 

 Anger as Beauty, Hate as Love?

I am angry today, I apologize.

If you know me, you know it's World Lupus Day today, May 10th, 2010. If you don't know me yet, I hope you know that it's a day of awareness, someone you might know or even perhaps love
have the struggle of life every minute. 

Ask away if you have questions. Thank you for the support, laughs and sometimes sharing my tears. 


1 comment:

  1. I'm not surprised you're angry, I'd be too. I just wish you didn't have to wait so long to replace that quack.