Not Giving In

 Many times I have heard that my decision for not going on medicine means that I am giving up. If I was truly giving up, I wouldn't be here today. I would not have fought to make it out of 2009.


The reason I am not on meds is many fold. I cannot tolerate anything, Nsaids, opiates, antibiotics even have disasterous effects on me. I tend to have severe reactions and side-effects. I cannot risk this, especially as I don't have any means or income to pay for these meds, so to put money that I do not have on something that will make me worse in effects is not something I am willing to do.


Despite that I am unable to drive or work, I have also heard 'why don't you just try it since you aren't doing anything now'. Thank you. I don't feel useless enough. Why not become a living zombie since I don't contribute a damn thing to society. Why prolong living like a vegetable and just wait for death? 


I took so much pride in being independent, and I have such little of it left, I will not have my mind atrophy as my body is.

Would I love to be on meds so I can try to 'live'? Of course I do. My reasons and means don't allow for it. So I live as I am failing inside. It is such terrible pain that never lets up. Chronic means always there, and it is scary. Again if I am happy or laughing it doesn't mean I am without pain. This is the worst thing I have ever been through and I have always been a tough cookie. I try very hard not to complain, even in the worst of it. I cry, alot. 

 I am not willing to go through worse effects of meds that don't directly treat what I am dealing with. I can only hope the new med - first one for lupus will be approved soon, and then I will see if I can even take that, and figure out how to pay for it. So far it is over $20k a year - and no insurance nor income will make this difficult. 


I am not giving up or giving in. I would not still be here if I did.