Is there such a thing as karma? I used to think so. I thought that not quite everything had a reason, but there was something that connected us to people and events.
I keep forgetting that I can't drive now. Back to this independence loss, it sucks. I had a very long involved dream where I was driving on a highway, and kept swerving to avoid a dark tunnel. I suppose that's what the hardest part of the days are like, fighting to stay out of this tunnel.
Yesterday we went out for my mom's birthday dinner. I had some anxiety about going out. It's just so very hard. The dinner was lovely, but again with the not able to walk, so the wheelchair and those challenges - it comes with it's own set of pains. The restaurant has a few stairs to the dining room, so they haul out a ramp, and there come the stares. I can't take the looks I get. I wish people can be honest and ask me what is going on. I'm more than okay with that.
We need this awareness - this is truly an evil disease.
Today I am of course, I am feeling the effects. I have new pains in my back, shoulders, arms and hands. But that is okay, I get it. I soldier on.
The tunnel is tempting sometimes. I wonder if it would be anything, but I remember the blackouts and the entire nothing.
I'm not ready to stop fighting, even though I live in bed, I have no job, no car, all the things that a successful adult seems measured by.
The failure is epic.
It is always hovering, and it is taunting me - luring me to that tunnel.
To be strong, takes heart and soul. Sometimes it is very tiring.
Strength fail.
