La Belle Dame Sans Merci

I am angry. 

I try very hard to not let these emotions get to me, but I am angry.

Welcome into my little meltdown.

I am angry at karma, fate, god, nothing?  What I did to deserve this? Does everything happen for a reason? Bullshit.

I understand I am very sick. I get it. I'm not one to wallow in the pain, I'm fighting it, without painkillers thank you very much. If you read my other entries you understand my fears.

I am angry that I can hardly go to the bathroom myself. I am angry I can't cook, I can't DO SHIT ALL. Understand this. I CAN'T do it. NOT WON'T.

 People, including me, don't understand this hell, so they get angry and make up what they have to.

People are disappearing. 

Fine. I get it. I'm not going to chase. Do whatever you need to. 

I am angry that someone very close to me is already grieving my loss. My physical loss, I am already almost dead to them I suppose, I am not angry at them, but this hurts. It hurts like hell. There is nothing I can do but be there, but I can't be. I can't be there when they are grieving me. How fucking confusing is that. I miss them. Greatly. I want them back.

When did I stop being a person with feelings? I still like to be asked how I am doing, you know it's not going to erupt into a competition or a bitch session. 

I want to yell - there are 17 elephants that made their home on my chest, my ribs are out of whack, I have twisted knees, my feet and shins are a write-off, my spine is being ripped out mortal kombat style, yet still I can feel it being shredded by a razor. My shoulders are being ripped apart, my back is disappearing. That is just the start.

But you know me, you know I won't. 

People are still disappearing, those I never thought that would. Have the respect enough to talk to me about it. I'm not reduced to a potato yet. 

More importantly, there are people stepping up. Somehow, and I believe them when they say in it with me for life.That is invaluable, please know how much that means to me.

Whether that's 7, 3 or 1 year or less. I thank you. You help keep me going. 

I am angry. 

I am hurt.

I am scared.

I am lost. 

I am love.

I am me.