Time means nothing now. Sometimes, it's really damn nice too.
It's rather freeing in a sense to not be a slave to the clock. It's a very strange and different feeling, as I have always had my own special relationship with time.
My mom taught me the lesson of punctuality, and to this day, it is important to me, however, I dread making plans of any sort because I have no idea if I can fulfill an obligation, as much as I want to.
Time is a dancer's best friend - from music, to the 8 counts repeatedly, to something I instilled in my dancers too, to respect the time and how to let it work and help them in training and as performers.
The famous '5,6, 7, 8' is magical - and what some people don't realize is that it is not just catching the beat, it is much more than that. It is to centre, to prep, to BREATHE. There is no random time for the 8 counts, it's there for a reason. On stage, it is also a thing of beauty. Lights, curtain, 5678 and GO!
The other relationship I had with time was working in television. I had a few Production Assistant positions from ENG (electronic news gathering) for the field to the live control room. The control room is also it's bit of magic. That is another gift I am so happy to have experienced, it was exhilarating.
I was in the control room for midnight news broadcast. I learned in preshow that the sports director needed to pad 2 extra minutes from his runthrough, I learned what was good material to cut if we were going over. It's not a job for the shy, while the director runs the cameras, the PA's run everything - everyone depends on the many time counts. I had a stopwatch, a digital clock, an analog clock and yes, sometimes yet another stopwatch, each tracking time for many concurrent items. 4 clocks, constant countdowns, constant restarting. It was alot of stress, and I loved it. Half the time I never knew what stories were on the show because each item was a time code.
I had such a relationship with time, I had a hard time not counting in 8's and 60's. I still do. When I was driving, and even just before blackouts started I would get gas and often stop it at $__.59 and then have to think about it to get to a round number. It was a pain in the ass in winter.
Time means nothing to me now, I sleep whenever I can, I eat whenever I feel up to it. I love the overnights too. Somehow it's so peaceful, finally making it through yet another tough shit hole of a day - just is a celebration. The peace is so welcoming, I WANT to stay awake and sleep all day. The days hurt much more. I understand that people don't understand my time now. It is still shocking that some think I should have a 9-5 schedule. I'm a slave to my body, I crave the night. I crave it hard.
I ask you, would you not want to do the same? It's a long day in the day, can't do much of anything for myself so why push myself when I really can't?
I am not lazy, I swear it. I still have a high work ethic, but I am being attacked hard. Life is not easy and the little things are now giant things to deal with.
I have always had a love affair with the nighttime, it is magical.
I was a social butterfly. I'm just a wounded butterfly now.
Time means nothing. It just is now.
I love you so much. You are my beautiful butterfly. And there is no healing without the acknowledgment of the wounds. And being wounded is NOT A FAILURE. Your beauty and your words and your life IS A GIFT. I know this as truly as I know my own truth.
ReplyDeleteI adore you for sharing your life. I love your 5678's of life. I am so sorry for your losses and I am waiting now - ever vigilant for the new life - the small ones that venture forth from you.
You are NOT a waste right now. Every thing in your mind, everything in your body- every thought you think is a new life. From great loss comes great giant big life affirming beauty. It might come in small seemingly insignificant hard to hear whispers though... the tiny little flutter of a wounded butterfly... but by god IT COMES.
Thank you. For being born, for living, and for BEING BRAVE ENOUGH to make it every fucking day. I know how hard it is - and I know too that YOU MATTER. And your words matter. They are important. You are important not just to those who love you - but to every single person on the planet trying to heal right now.
xxx
M
I've lost my sense of time.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad worked very hard to instill a very accurate internal clock into me and it is just gone. Part of that is having a partner who barely knows what season it is much less time but I can't blame it all on that.
My body is boss now. I listen to it or else. So, as much as I might want a set schedule of sleep from 10 pm to 7am and so on I just can't do it.
It is even harder in the summer when I so want to sleep through the hottest part of the day.
I'm glad you know you have a strong work ethic. I still can't bring myself to tell the voices that tell me I'm lazy to just stfu.
i hate that i can't make plans to meet anywhere now, because i'm so unpredictable. i'm always cancelling, too, on people, because i just can't manage to get the energy to do whatever-- often at the last minute. i was never a late person. now i'm never NOT late. it's a terrible transition.
ReplyDelete